Monday, December 21, 2009

Dance in the Dark

I spent all this morning in a haze...I'm haunted by dreams and memories of this past week. I'm having so many different things thrown at me, my mind seems to have shut it all out and emptied itself.

Paul is the love of my life, and the knife in my heart. Since our separation started due to his mother's anger against me, I have been looking for ways to reach him. I figured he wanted to talk to me, assumed that he missed me equally as I miss him. I was wrong...

I went to see him on Friday, I asked him if he wanted to call me on his break and we could meet up. He nodded halfway, and I said "will you do it?" He said, "I will," with a hint of a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

During our 20-minute snatch of conversation, the first real conversation in over a week and a half, I discovered that his lack of communication with me was his own decision. Yes, his parents have done their best to cut him off from all forms of contacting me, but he had ways...if he really wanted to. I just don't think he wanted to. He told me his dad was proud of him for staying away from me so well. I could see that Paul was proud of himself for the praise.

He also seemed very off and somewhat annoyed at my presence...when I said breathlessly, "I can't believe it's been a whole week!" He replied, "yes, it's only been a week." I could tell he felt suffocated by my being there. I wasn't wanted. It worried me, and I asked him what his parents had said to him recently. "Nothing new," he replied. My heart lifted and sank at the same time. I knew this meant his parents didn't hate me any more than they do already...and I knew that meant his cold nature was all his own.

He held my hand and kissed me a few times, he said "I love you," but it wasn't heartfelt. I meant those words with everything in my being...but the longer I thought about his mood, his actions, his words...the more stupid I felt about going to visit him in the first place.

You know the feeling...the sudden sickening realization that you may love this person more than they love you. The heart-wrenching betrayed feeling that you got tricked again, you really believed them this time...and life turned a vicious circle and threw the trust back into your face. The horrible realization that you might be taken for granted. The raucous rebellion of your heart to feel okay again, the fierce refusal of your eyes to stop crying.

I can't let him do this...give up on me this way. I've stood by him through all the drama and heartache with his parents and their overbearing habits in his life. He always said that he was afraid to really stand up to them because they might cut us off completely. They've already done that now, and he still won't just respectfully disagree with them and remind them that he is an adult.

The biggest red flag in my mind now is his pride for what his dad said to him. If he finds it a great accomplishment to bend to their will and ignore me, then it's his decision. I'm not going to be that girl who can't live without her boyfriend who ignores her...especially in favor of his parents. I've been ready to break down over this, I've wanted to die. WHEN DID IT BECOME OKAY FOR HIM TO DO THIS TO ME? What happened to my independence?

I love referencing lyrics, and this time a certain Lady Gaga song is in order. I know a lot of people may not like her style, but her one song, "Dance in the Dark" has a good message for girls in relationships where they are walked over and pressed into silence.

Some girls won't dance to the beat of the track
She won't walk away, but she won't look back
She looks good but her boyfriend says she's a mess,
She's a mess, she's a mess,
now the girl is stressed...
she's a mess, she's a mess, she's a mess...

Baby loves to dance in the dark
'Cause when he's looking, she falls apart.

I'm sick of falling apart when he calls me a mess, when he acts like I'm too obsessed or too needy. I just love him and I want to spend time with him...why did he make that feel so wrong?

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Tell me about your lives, tell me if you know how this feels...did you have the strength to walk away? Did you hold on and make it through? I want to know I'm not alone in this. Don't let me dance in the dark alone.

Stay strong,



Sunday, December 20, 2009


My mind never stops. I'm constantly wading through a stream of thoughts that come so rapidly at times I can barely stand to think at all. But I do...and when the thoughts become too much I write them down. This blog is a story...and not just mine. It's the story of all who dare to make it their own. I want you to look inside my words for your own life, because I'm sure it's there. Look in my darkest hours, my wildest dreams, my deepest fears, and my greatest joys. While we live it individually, we are all bound to the great ticking clock of time and the all-encompassing journey of life.

This blog is titled "Dance in Shadow," for a very specific reason. I am coming out of many heartaches and troubles, insecurities, fears, and times of despair. This blog is my acknowlegement that these things don't go away overnight, they still haunt you and place a shadow on your life. But that doesn't mean we can't live life anyway. We can still thrive, we can still find beauty in the dark places. This blog is my way of dancing in the shadows of my past...working through them day by day...finding myself and growing past the heartache. I also want to bring you, my readers, along with me. I want to know what you think. I want you to pull yourself through the shadows of your life too...and together we can go deeper into ourselves and pull out the beautiful souls I know are there.

I hope you enjoy reading, and I can have the honor of inspiring your life in some way.

Stay strong,