Monday, December 21, 2009

Dance in the Dark

I spent all this morning in a haze...I'm haunted by dreams and memories of this past week. I'm having so many different things thrown at me, my mind seems to have shut it all out and emptied itself.

Paul is the love of my life, and the knife in my heart. Since our separation started due to his mother's anger against me, I have been looking for ways to reach him. I figured he wanted to talk to me, assumed that he missed me equally as I miss him. I was wrong...

I went to see him on Friday, I asked him if he wanted to call me on his break and we could meet up. He nodded halfway, and I said "will you do it?" He said, "I will," with a hint of a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

During our 20-minute snatch of conversation, the first real conversation in over a week and a half, I discovered that his lack of communication with me was his own decision. Yes, his parents have done their best to cut him off from all forms of contacting me, but he had ways...if he really wanted to. I just don't think he wanted to. He told me his dad was proud of him for staying away from me so well. I could see that Paul was proud of himself for the praise.

He also seemed very off and somewhat annoyed at my presence...when I said breathlessly, "I can't believe it's been a whole week!" He replied, "yes, it's only been a week." I could tell he felt suffocated by my being there. I wasn't wanted. It worried me, and I asked him what his parents had said to him recently. "Nothing new," he replied. My heart lifted and sank at the same time. I knew this meant his parents didn't hate me any more than they do already...and I knew that meant his cold nature was all his own.

He held my hand and kissed me a few times, he said "I love you," but it wasn't heartfelt. I meant those words with everything in my being...but the longer I thought about his mood, his actions, his words...the more stupid I felt about going to visit him in the first place.

You know the feeling...the sudden sickening realization that you may love this person more than they love you. The heart-wrenching betrayed feeling that you got tricked again, you really believed them this time...and life turned a vicious circle and threw the trust back into your face. The horrible realization that you might be taken for granted. The raucous rebellion of your heart to feel okay again, the fierce refusal of your eyes to stop crying.

I can't let him do this...give up on me this way. I've stood by him through all the drama and heartache with his parents and their overbearing habits in his life. He always said that he was afraid to really stand up to them because they might cut us off completely. They've already done that now, and he still won't just respectfully disagree with them and remind them that he is an adult.

The biggest red flag in my mind now is his pride for what his dad said to him. If he finds it a great accomplishment to bend to their will and ignore me, then it's his decision. I'm not going to be that girl who can't live without her boyfriend who ignores her...especially in favor of his parents. I've been ready to break down over this, I've wanted to die. WHEN DID IT BECOME OKAY FOR HIM TO DO THIS TO ME? What happened to my independence?

I love referencing lyrics, and this time a certain Lady Gaga song is in order. I know a lot of people may not like her style, but her one song, "Dance in the Dark" has a good message for girls in relationships where they are walked over and pressed into silence.

Some girls won't dance to the beat of the track
She won't walk away, but she won't look back
She looks good but her boyfriend says she's a mess,
She's a mess, she's a mess,
now the girl is stressed...
she's a mess, she's a mess, she's a mess...

Baby loves to dance in the dark
'Cause when he's looking, she falls apart.

I'm sick of falling apart when he calls me a mess, when he acts like I'm too obsessed or too needy. I just love him and I want to spend time with him...why did he make that feel so wrong?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tell me about your lives, tell me if you know how this feels...did you have the strength to walk away? Did you hold on and make it through? I want to know I'm not alone in this. Don't let me dance in the dark alone.

Stay strong,




  1. Hey, Kat.
    your certainly not the only one. i have been through this same thing(kinda)three times. i haven't ever had the confidence to look at myself and say i need better, i've always just loved and waited for them to break my heart. and it kills me to realize that the people who do love me, i don't care for them.

    i felt like dying many times, but sweetie its not worth it. i came close, and it broke my papa's heart(he's the only figure in my life i look up to), when i broke his heart, i cried, i just wanted to drown in my tears because the last person who still had hope in this world for me, gave up.

    i don't trust many guys in my life, i just love, cry, starve, fast, diet, i just don't know what else to do in my life.

  2. Kat, I know the exact feeling - of realizing you may love someone more than they love you. It's terrifying, because you know the moment you had that realization, you have given them the power to hurt you. To really, deeply tear you apart if they chose to. And it also means you have surrendered your independence. That now you truly need this person.

    This is something I struggle with everyday in my relationship - my boyfriend is absoluetely amazing. Ambitous, caring, supportive, loves his family, treats me well... but is he more than I deserve? Am I more attached to him than him to me? I fear it's true. And as a girl who has been fiercely independant her entire life, letting someone have this kind of control over me is terrifying. Which directly leads to my struggle with eating... If only I could be thin, have that amazing body, maybe I could be good enough.

    And then my disrordered thinking, irrationale outbursts, irractic behaviour because of this drives him away. I feel I am saboutaging myself because I don't feel worthy.

    I love your blog, your writing. I identify so strongly with you struggles, and it often helps me to sort out my own thoughts, make sense of my life.

    Thank you Kat.

  3. Thank you for the inspiration. Know that you are not alone.

    I was cut off from my boyfriend by his overbearing parents (and mine). It was all falling apart... It hurt like hell but i had to pack it up and walk away. And it was a long process. But i'm so glad i did. My life, though i'm still struggling, is better. I have a new supportive boy standing by me. I wouldn't have met him if i'd held on too long. So i encourage you to do the same if things start to look too hopeless. But i also encourage you not to give up too soon.
    Good luck.
    Love, Ana M.

  4. I've been following your other blog for awhile. I am really sorry how things worked out with Paul..we are all here for you.

  5. It's the worst feeling in the world. That "sudden sickening realization", that moment where anything and everything just seems to stop and stare at you. Makes you shrink down into near nothingness, but not quite small enough so that the world can't stamp on you for "being such a fucking idiot".

    The fact of the matter is, though, it's completely, utterly understandable how closely linked your emotional state was (or is?) to Paul. You're in an extraordinarily delicate place, trying to scramble up a ridiculously steep slope which is pretty much covered in grease. With your hands tied behind your back. Without shoes. You might feel weak, or stupid, or even as if the whole situation is your fault - I know I did - but darling, it just... ISN'T.

    No offence meant, but my only advice can be run. Run as fast as you can. He's treating you as much, much less than you're worth by not at least trying to give it a go. Hell, to me it sounds more like he's just using the fact that he feels pride about what his dad said as an EXCUSE not to confront his parents... not a reason. He can't possibly be unconscious of the effect it must have on you, and I'm sure he's not a complete tool... a bit cowardly perhaps, but he sounds more like he's running away from himself than anything else. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'm trying o.O

    At the end of the day... it isn't the end of the day. You'll get through this, and you'll come out much stronger for it. There'll be a day where you can look back at all this shit you're going through now and think... "Damn. Being a teenager blows. Now where did I leave my jacket?" and run out the door to your brand shiny new life in which you are, to all intents and purposes, happy.

    Best of luck. I really, really hope your "happy" comes sooner rather than later.

    Lilliah x

  6. Terrific song, so fitting.
    You'll learn eventually to put this behind you, trust me! You have an unbelieveable amount of support, for you are such an inspiration to so many girls. Congrats on channeling your thoughts! I've already started something similar, but am still gathering my thoughts for it.


  7. Hey Kat.
    Reading this, I started feeling absolutely awful, mostly because I'm always pushing people away for loving me too much.
    I definitely know how it feels, more with friends than with a guy, when you care more than they do.
    Please stay strong for all of us.
    We love you.

    xo, Charlie

  8. i cannot put in any better than these guys did.
    its heart wrenching, sickening, just.. ugh.
    like time has stopped.

    i've been on both sides as well. the one where i push people away, and the one (right now) where i fear that my life with my boyfriend might end soon. its hanging like a thread, and im holding on.

    talk to Paul about it.
    i did to mine, and it hurt.. but nothing hurts more than not knowing, and feeling like an idiot because your giving him your all and he's giving nothing back.

    its exhuasting.
    you have the right to know!

    take care,
    love katie.

  9. I read your blog a lot (the ana related one), but since I don't feel I have the eloquence or an interesting enough life to warrant my own blog on here, I have not really commented before.

    But your words really struck a chord with me. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now. And most people do not believe I am still with him.

    Long story short, after finding the various wesbites he had been on looking for sex, and discovering the two women he had been trying to sleep with behind my back, I was pretty much broken. And I did not leave, or even pretend I would.

    There was not even a reason why. He just "felt like it".

    The effect it has had on me is to turn me into one of those women that "normal" people despise. You know the types, jealous of every woman he isn't related to, constantly badgering him, etc etc. It sickens me to even think I am like that, because I like to believe apart from the raging bulimia, I am fairly "normal".

    So all in all, what have I gained from staying with a man I cannot live without? It seems, just a whole lot of insecurity.

    You are showing strength I never could. Although our situations are quite different, some aspects are similiar.

    Im not sure if this has helped, or if it is just selfish ramblings.

    All I can say is I hope you find your happiness, because I am sure you more than deserve it.

    Love, Ami x

  10. I find your blog so inspirational. I can really relate to what you write. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 6 weeks. He knows all about my ana life style and my selfharming. He says he will stand by me but he wants me to get help. But i dont want to go visit a stupid doctor. I just want to be allowed to live my life how i want. I know im pushing him away and he will dump me soon. My ex dumped me for being too depressed and self harming and no eating. It broke my heart. But i love the guy im with but i guess he will leave me soon.

    I hope things work out for you. Stay stong.

    Love Emma x

  11. i know the feeling all too well. there have been times in my relationship where my girlfriend has said she's losing feelings for me. it's happened over and over, like a rollercoaster. or maybe it's more like the sun setting and rising and setting again. but one thing's for sure, the sun DOES come back up, in time. who knows what's going on inside his head. you have to decide whether you love him enough to wait this through for a while, or whether you think he's going to come around. you can't let the boy leave you waiting for the rest of your life when there could be someone else out there who will always keep the sun shining.


  12. I know I'm not really the best person to give you advice or anything similar about the whole situation with Paul but let's look at the facts:
    - He seems to be proud about being able to stay away from you.
    That could mean a number of things; he loves you, and just wants his parents to be proud of him; he's not sure what to think, he loves you, or he just feels very strong for you; or he just doesn't know what to do at all.
    I've read and kept up with your relationship with him, and while he's been the supportive guy you say, it also seems like there's more to the story than that - maybe more behind his actions than even you know.
    I'm young, and I don't have a lot of experience with boys, well okay. That's a lie, but I'm still young. The thing is, I've also been studying a lot about profiling, and honestly, from what you've said about Paul and how your conversations appear to play out, maybe you shouldn't try so hard to be with him.
    Honestly, if he wants to be with you, he'd try harder and stop making up excuses. He's not a little kid anymore, and making his parents proud should definitely not be at the top of his list.

    Good luck with whatever you do. (:

  13. great song.
    your such a inspiration
    so i was surfing and saw that 'quest for perfection' is 'Page cannot be found".
    has it been taken off??????

    Good luck!

  14. I wish you a merry christmas, stay strong sweetheart!

    Kate lunacy.

  15. Hey Kat,
    I know you might not read this but we all miss you terribly but want you to achieve that peace and happiness that comes with an ed-free life.
    Happy New Year, take care!!


  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

  17. I just stumbled on your blog today... but you are not alone. It's heart wrenching to find out that you care about someone who doesn't have the same feelings. It may be hard to realize, but really you DO deserve somebody who cares about you and returns your feelings. It may take time to find that person. The hardest part is not settling for somebody else. It means some alone time, but it's worth it.

    --Sorry, I deleted my old comment to add--

    I was in a situation (I have a whole blog about it) where I had feelings for someone who was using me. I tried to walk away - I did for a bit - and I tried again. Eventually I was able to walk away for good. You have to put yourself first. Your emotional health and well being are the most important right now, not some guy who's going to run over your emotions all the time. It's not easy, but you'll feel better eventually.

  18. miss you Kat. We wish you would come back to us!